BEREAVEMENT
The physical effects
Outlined below are some of the most common physical effects of bereavement.
Your Weight. you might find yourself either loosing weight or gaining weight, One can find themselves eating a lot less than normal due to the lack of appetite, or one might start eating a lot more due to the need of comfort, known as comfort eating. Personally at the beginning of my own bereavement I found myself eating a lot less, but over time my normal eating habits did return.
Lack of concentration, Personally It was very hard for me to concentrate on anything in the early stages of my bereavement, from watching T.V to having a Conversation, but once again over time I found myself being able to concentrate on more and more things.
Sleep disturbance, some people may find it very hard to sleep, while others may find that's all they seem to do! Personally In the early raw stages of my bereavement I wasn't getting hardly any sleep, and what very little sleep I did get was disturbed by nightmares! Sleep depravation can be a very daunting experience. But once again over time I gradually began to sleep more often and had fewer nightmares.
The bereaved person may also experience a loss of memory, loss of self-esteem and identity. They may also suffer` Panic attacks` as well as nausea, insomnia, palpitations. They may begin to neglect their appearance for a time, and feel that nothing matters any more,( and why should it matter! ), but although these are all normal reactions, at times it could help to talk to others about what you are feeling.
It can also be said that given time the physical effects of bereavement will lift as one comes through the initial stages of the grieving process. Remember there is no set time or limits on the grieving process, we are all individual.
Just keep your eye on the physical effects and see them for what they are. If you feel that you require any further information or advice on any subject within this section, or you just simply want to talk though your feelings with someone in confidence. Please e-mail us, as bereaved parents our self we know just what you are going through, and please remember you're not alone! We are here to help.
Trying to Coping with grief
I think grief is such an individual journey, and no two people are the same. In our society there is very little help given to help us with the process of grief, we are left to our own devices, which leaves us wondering and questioning our grief process, trying to understand what's going on within our minds and to our bodies, should we be thinking or acting this way? The reality is there is no right way or wrong way through the grieving process; Bereavement is a very complicated issue. Life for us after our loss is an enormous and painful struggle, and in the early months the most frequent question we ask our self is 'How do I cope'? But I know with every tiny little step we take in our grief's journey we will begin to discover how to re-learn, to re- adjust and eventually re-join life. Although we will never be the same person again or be able to go back to living our old life, we will have survived!
Out lined below are some areas which we can all work towards to aid the healing process.
- Self-expression
- Physical self-care
- Emotional self-care
- Good social support
Self-expression
• Talk Therapy. We all should be able to express our self at this difficult time. Try not to isolate yourself! I know how easy it can be to disconnect yourself from your friends, and even you're family and indeed the whole world, part of the reason being that we don't want to project our grief on to others, but let yourself emerge out of your shell and start to connect. Talking to other bereaved parents can give us an invaluable friendship, comfort and support; shared grief can certainly help immensely. Remember you are not alone! Another way forward is finding a good counselor for whom you feel comfortable with, your doctors can put you in touch or give you a list of counselors. Bear in mind though there is a huge waiting time for these counselors.
• Putting pen to paper Start or continue writing in a journal or diary. It's a good way we can begin to express our self and off load a complex set of emotions. Or you could even consider writing letters to your love one to describe how you feel or to 'say'' things you never got the chance to say or by just simply sharing with them your day to day activities. In my case I had written a lot of poems! A lot of people, who find it hard to talk about how they feel, find it easier to write about it. Have a go and see how you get on.
• Don't forget you can e-mail us your poems to appear on this site in honor of your love one, as well as it can also provide support and comfort for other grieving families alike .
• Start Creating. You may want to create a special collage for your love one or you might want to try your hand at something you have always wanted to do, but never found the time, like knitting a special jumper, or a soft cuddly toy for your love one. For instance in my local `Hobby Craft` shop I came across a self portrait tapestry cushion needle work kit, all what was need was a photo of your choice! Then with a little bit of skill and a little bit of patience you could create your very own hand made tapestry cushion of your love one! It looked really great and personally I have already put it on my list of projects to complete! At the moment I am cross stitching an `Angel`. The Ideas are endless, so instead of thinking what you could craft, why don't you just pop in to your local hobby craft store and see what takes your fancy. Crafting can be very therapeutic! As well as painting, gardening, music (media), cooking to name but a few.
• Don't forget you can also e-mail us a photo of your creation to appear on this site, which can also help encourage others alike, as well as showing of your artistic talents!
• Remember To try and reflect on the good times we shared with our love one. Looking back, what do we appreciate about the contributions of your loved one? What are the moments together that we cherish the most? Do things to honor and remember your loved one: if they loved flowers, plant a garden in their honor or help others plant gardens; or support the causes and organizations that were important to them.
• Remember if you would like to share your story on how you honored and remembered your love one, or you have some exciting ideas or photos to share, just pop them in an e-mail, we are always happy to receive them.
Taking care of yourself .... After all it's what our love ones would want!
• Getting enough sleep. In my case it was easy said then done! But a regular sleep routine will be of vital benefit to you. You need all the energy you can get for the journey ahead! If you are feeling tired during the day, and or you are finding it hard to sleep at night, give yourself plenty of time to sit or lie down during the day to recover your body's energy. It's very important that you rest your body as much as you can it will help with your emotional recovery. Try and avoid substances like caffeine and alcohol as we have all come to learn that they don't aid in a restful nights sleep. If need be you can always consult your doctor who will be more than happy to help. And remember you're not alone.
• Exercise. If you can, why not take a brisk walk in the countryside, or your local park not only is it good for your body, but it will also aid in clearing your mind, and cleansing your soul. Try and choose something that will motivate you to get out of bed or the house. On a personal note in the early stage of my grief I felt like I needed to excel a lot of energy, having the urge to do a `Forest Gump` marathon!, but in the end I settled for frequent quite and peaceful nature walks in the country.
Eating I know it can be the very last thing on your mind at the beginning of your Grief! But just like sleep, we also need food. Nutritious food! I personally found that by eating very small amounts but Often with a vitamin supplement helped.
Take care of yourself emotionally
• Occupying your mind . Is there a book that you have wanted to read or a movie you haven't had time to see? This is the time to do it. Whether it's listening to uplifting music or getting a massage, try and do what would normally make you feel happy & relaxed.
I think one of the key areas of grieving is allowing your emotions to be able to come to the surface. That way we can begin to work through them. I believe that in the long run, trying to stuff down your feelings, as I did, in the belief or hope that they will simply fade with time!, will not work!!. I think that when you ignore your emotions, sometimes the grief causes pain that is so excruciating that sometimes you just want to numb and escape it through alcohol or medication. Thankfully I have done neither.
DO not isolate your self! Emerge from your shell and reach out towards others, always remember you are not alone in your grief, start connecting with other bereaved parents. Isolation can be the first thing we crave for, but I can honestly say from my own experience, it wasn't helpful at all. In the early stages of my grief I just wanted to disconnect myself from friends, family and indeed the whole world, one of the reasons being that I did not want to project my grief on to others, basically I was protecting them from my pain. However after a while I started to reach out to other bereaved parents who had under gone a similar type of situation. By doing so it had given me hope, understanding, comfort and support. Just the realization alone was a great feeling, knowing that what I was going through is what they themselves where going through or had been through. As the saying goes 'He who feels it knows it'. It is important to have an outlet for sharing grief, even for people who aren't usually comfortable talking about their feelings. We humans are social creatures and knowing that others know and understand will make you feel better, less alone with your pain.
But please remember if you need any further advice, or you just simply feel like you want to talk to someone in confidence. Please send us an initial e-mail, we are here to help!
Stages of grief.
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Guilt
- Anger
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope
Most people will see some if not all of these stages of grief.
The first stage is obvious and I think we all feel this in the first breaking of the news of a death or loss. We quite naturally are shocked and find the gravity of the situation difficult to take in.
Denial is the next stage of the grieving process and sometimes this stage will last only a moment and with others it may last for quite some time.
Each of the stages of grief will take different lengths of time to work through form person to person. Sometimes the first three stages may only last a moment and with others they could last for some considerable time.
Guilt. One tends to blame themselves in an effort to reconcile the loss.
When anger occurs in the grieving process sometimes it is said that the person is starting to come out of it. Although it is important to remember everyone is individual and have different circumstances surrounding the death of their love one. such as in my case I felt anger and rage right from the start!
Depression is not so much a stage; it can come and go throughout the whole grieving process.
Finally acceptance and hope marks the last stage of grief. At this point we understand that life will never be the same but we see hope and meaning in the future.
But always remember everyone is individual and No two people are the same. Our journey through grief is an individual process.
The main point in by out-lining the stages of grief is to show that we can see our grief as a very natural process that we can work through from the initial shock to the eventual hope.
How do I help those that are grieving?
I have listed below a short list of guidance notes for you to try and help someone in their grief. If you require a more detailed structure of guidance or you have any concerns about a person whom is grieving, please e-mail us. We are here to help.
Care, don't pity.
Don't stay away because you might feel as though you will be more of a hindrance than help. Keep in regular contact with them. Especially in the early stages of grief. They need all the support they can get, both from family and friends, and in most cases even a total stranger can give some sort of comfort.
Have a lot of patience. Their Emotions can run very high and very low.
Remember they are still in control, and they can think for themselves.
Don't be afraid to talk about the loved one who has died.
You could Invite them out for the day, maybe to go shopping, go out for dinner, or simply for a walk in the park. But please respect the times they may wish to be left alone.
They will need people who can listen and believe!
Grief is a very painful and powerful emotion, the pain that they are feeling is totally indescribable, so please understand that if their appearance seems as though they are `doing well` it can be very deceptive! Because on the inside they are really hurting.
It's ok if you don't know what to say! Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and a simple hug can do a world of good!